Sunshine Comes Softly Through My Window

Weather.com showed the little sun logo for today - 2:35pm  and finally, SUNSHINE! The Pacific NW teaches me to appreciate every ray!

George Thorogood and Hannah Montana

Meeting with a family and the man asked what is on my IPod- I told him I had George Thouroghgood(one burbon, one scotch, one beer), Stevie Ray Vaughn(if the house is a rocken), Asleep at the wheel (bump bounce boogie), and Miley Cyrus (It's all right here) -

He was fine until I got to Miley . . .

How can you not like someone who can sell this song?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b4Lp_TQ-Q8s

Incarnation

I thought Angie was so cute.   First year of high school and she was cute and funny and smart and laughed well and was just too much fun.  

I don't really know what she thought of me.  I was too tall and too thin and a confused mess of cowboy moved to the city getting high with the freaks  and smart enough to hang with the geeky smart kids but out of control enough to be more at home with any and all of the trouble-makers on campus.    She and I would talk at school sometimes and occasionally after school I would walk to her house and we would listen to music and take ourselves and life way too seriously until finally one or the other of us would finally say something to remind us that life is just funny.  She had to know I was smitten and I always knew she wasn't but we were friends.

Over the months and years our friendship softened and we talked less and less.  

We still saw each periodically.  At school, at the park or out shopping, we would bump into each other and say hello and as is often the case those moments awakened a bittersweet melancholy. Angie was always Angie- to me she never seemed to change.  She was always cute and funny and socially graceful.  At 14 she had a spunky personality that by 20 had matured into a sparkly bright and engaging personality.  The woman she grew into fulfilled all the promise of the girl she was.

After we went off to college years went by and I didn't see Angie.  I wondered how she was and where she was but I didn't follow up.  

A friend of mine was attending graduate school at the University and between classes he was sitting on the lawn and began talking to a cute young woman there.  They talked and laughed and she had a wonderful sparkly and engaging personality.  He admits that he was smitten and he knew that she was not.  Over the semester the met regularly and became friends and as friends sometimes do they began to explore who they may know in common and realized they both knew me-  yeah!

"How is Mark?" she asked-  and then . . . "and what is his current incarnation?"

A service brat becomes a beach kid in Florida became a cowboy in New Mexico became a trouble making long haired freaky kid musician became a Jesus Freak became a fitness fellow became a series of yuppie fellows a husband a father a divorced single dad an executive a business owner a realtor a single man who is full circle flat broke living alone in a city with no friends or family with a dog and a question:

"How is Mark?"  

" . . . and what is his current incarnation?"

I think I like it.

A few months ago Bella moved in with me.   As she is young and athletic I have started making a point of getting out with her every day so that she can get some exercise.  Since I was going to be out for her anyway I decided to make sure it was productive for me as well.  So-

Every day (or at least 6 of 7) we get out and spend at least an hour walking, jogging, running.  

Some observations:

• First-  I was in truly horrible shape when we started this.  Sad!
• A couple months into this I am in much better shape-  still a long way to go but it is nice to be able to tell that I am getting more fit.  Yeah!
• I tend to be a goal driven, plan oriented person AND being goal driven and plan oriented is not supportive of fully experiencing the fullness of time.
• An hour spent outside, moving, and unavailable to the phone and the internet has a huge impact on my day.  I had not realized that for several decades I have NEVER been out of touch and other than sleeping time have been constantly aware of those things.  

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At the beginning of our walk Bella wants to pull on the leash and is clearly impatient that I don't go faster-  if I pull her up short she will walk by my side without pulling but as soon as she senses enough slack in the leash she moves ahead to the end.  She has learned that she can walk well out in front as long as the leash isn't taught-  there should be just a bit of bounce.  When she gets anxious and pulls all I have to do is speak her name and she will slow just long enough to regain the slack . . .  occasionally she will look back at me and I am sure she is disapproving of my slow pace at the beginning.

She has learned which shorts and shoes I wear to take her out and if I am wearing them and pick up my MP3 player she knows and dashes to the door and sits . . . wiggling and squealing with excitement.  

When we first started I laid out a route that was four miles out the door and back.  Down the hill, around the block, past the nice homes that back up to the lake, up to Hurst Creek Rd., down to the main entrance to the City Park, down the drive and parking lot, then both the upper and lower trails along the lake, and back to the house.  Simple!  So off we went . . . 

I checked the time as I left the house and off we went, Bella tugging on the leash and with out of shape me sweating and panting along behind her.    8am on a Thursday.  Five after 8 as we reached the bottom of the first hill and passed the mailboxes I reached in my pocket for my cell phone I had deliberately left at home.    I can't check email.  No-one can call me.  I won't even know . . .     a few minutes later we came abreast the park -  a quarter mile short of the entrance I had planned on and routed us to and remembered the short cut!  I can leave the road right here, cut through a couple  hundred yards of good trail, and save over a half mile! Then I realized that if I cut across on the lakeside trail I could save another half  mile!  Wow!  Those two smart shortcuts would save me over a mile and as slowly as I was currently walking that would get me home 20 minutes early and  . . . .

This has been a hard lesson to learn but I am making progress . .  

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Yesterday, we were walking on another trail where we go quite a bit.  We are both in a bit better shape now and just as importantly I am learning to enjoy the passing of time and observing the world I am passing through.  From our place it is just about 1/2 mile to the trailhead where it crosses the creek near the house-  from there are several miles of carefully groomed wide trails with only modest inclines going in several directions.  Along those trails there are other more interesting trails that head up the sides of the canyon on each side of the creek-  narrow, often steep, with rocks and roots and slippery parts that take you into  areas far less traveled.  We have covered all those trails in the park and have started exploring.    The animal trails, the creekbeds, the little meadows and draws are wonderful.

I still struggle sometimes with the need to "get done and get on to what is next" but I am doing better.   For the first weeks I often found myself headed home earlier than I had anticipated- either because I was getting faster (finally) or because I had taken a shortcut.  I am finally reaching a point where new trails are simply new and are not shortcuts -  lately it is becoming important to remind myself to head back and "do what must be done" rather than having to force myself to continue moving and experiencing the world.  

It has always been a conundrum that I find my self drawn, almost to the point of being driven,  to work at things I don't enjoy doing and to face problems that I don't enjoy solving, talking to people I don't enjoy talking to.  There are things I enjoy-  things I love-  things that I look forward to-  BUT that is not the places I find myself going-  what's up with that?  

Why do I find it easier to think about work, to worry about money, to dwell on financial and professional obligations, to focus on business goals than it is to think about the things I love, to make sure I am finding time and energy to enjoy my life, to dwell on growing in the areas I enjoy developing, and to wrap my mind and heart around enjoying my life?

I think that I will consider that question in those next few hours I spend in the woods with Bella.

Back to our walk~  As we trotted up the trail yesterday we saw several deer through the trees and Bella tugged at the leash and pointed out a faint trail that headed over the edge of the trail and down toward the creekbed at the bottom of the canyon.  I had hooked Bella's leash to the end of a longer line that I tie around my waist as a belt and the end of it adds another 8 or 9 feet to the leash-  it is much easier for us to not trip each other  with 15 or 18 feet of leash between us.    We headed off the groomed trail and over the edge and headed down the deer trail.   Bella is patient with me as I can't move as quickly as she can but once we are well off the main trail I released her and let her run.  

At the bottom of the draw is  the creekbed- it's late summer so there's not lot of water and it only flows off and on but there are great pools; full of small fish and turtles and surrounded by tall reeds.  We are very close to town-  I know there are homes within a 1/4 mile or so but down here there is no evidence; the only sounds are Bella's splashing in the water, the sound of our feet across the earth, and the rustle of leaves in the breeze.    Bella stays close-  she has a great nose and will move downwind well out of sight but upwind she makes sure she can see or hear me.  She will come if I call but I don't;  she runs with her nose the ground and although she is nearly silent when you look at her you can almost see her laughing with joy as she just enjoys being.  Stopping she will look across at me, through the grass and it almost feels as it she is asking me "do you see it?  do you smell it? are you experiencing it?  are you as happy as I am right here and right now?"

It's probably not more than a half mile up the draw to the cove where the lake is fed by this creek and we work our way up to the wide meadow that marks the place where the creek spills into Hurst Cove and fills the lake.  Late summer the lake is pretty low and grass covers several acres with stands of reeds dotting the areas where small pools hold water.    Bella runs and I walk and we splash and laugh and let the sun speak it's warmth to our skin.  

We headed back after a bit-  We climbed out of the draw, found the trail, and headed home.  Bella walks near me on the trail until we get closer in and I put her back on the leash.  She stays close and contentendly rubs against my leg as we make our way back up the trail, across the creek, out onto the street, up the hill and home.  

I don't know how long we wandered there but I do know that only rarely have I managed to forget what comes next.  

I think I like it.

belief notes

It is an interesting process to try to note "what you believe." At the end I find that I can always think of one more important idea and at least one included that doesn't make sense to me. I think I like the process though-

• People are responsible for their own lives and their own reality. That includes me.
• Our own happiness is the goal.
• Fun is not the same as happiness but it helps!
• God loves us but he is neither our mother nor our servant; he made us in his image as creators and is happy as we learn and grow in our ability to create our own reality.
• The laws of the universe are just that, laws. We may create our own reality but we are still a part of the universe and subject to it’s laws- we will reap what we sow, get what we deserve, see the blessings and fruit of our labors. The laws of the universe are without fail double edged blades- yes, tomorrow is another day and it is up to our choices what that day will be like.
• Life always starts now.
• Love as a verb has much more value than love as a noun. A love that is felt is pleasant but a love that is chosen and committed to and expressed through action has the ability to change both the loved and the lover.
• Everyone has an absolute right to create their own reality and their own value as long as it is not at another’s expense.
• Time can be spent- invest it wisely.
• I am not responsible for anyone else nor is anyone else responsible for me. However, I may choose to be responsible to someone else either deliberately or as a byproduct of my other choices.
• I cannot make anyone do anything- I can only make myself act.
• Money (means to do things), Love (to care about or for), and Time (the opportunity to experience). That balance is the crux of my happiness. To do things that I care about with people I care about (Love), having the means to do those things (Money), and the opportunity (Time) to do more of them. Have the means to spend as much of my life as possible experiencing the people, activities, and things that I care about. I get extra points for growing and overcoming.
• There is nothing immodest in taking pride in the challenges met, successful growth, or the changes I have wrought in myself for the better. It is honest. There is no virtue in being smart, or tall, or pretty, or gifted, or having things. I was born this way and can take no credit and the things that I have only have meaning as they reflect my understanding, growth, beliefs, choices, and actions.
• There is no such thing as true contradiction. If two things stand opposed, only one can be true. Paradox is possible as it means to appear contradictory until a complete understanding is achieved.
• Emotions and passion often overcome reason- and cannot be trusted.
• There is a difference between truth and fact. Truth is harder but usually worth more.
• Think. Reason. Consider. Examine.
• There is no secret to life. It is what it is. It is ours to own and create and to be responsible for. There is no magic bullet, no oracle, no answer outside ourselves. I have to decide for myself what will make me happy and then I have to go do it.

Bella

I have a new roommate and I have mixed feelings about her.

Bella is lovely of course; any female I live with would have to be beautiful and she is. Brown hair with some highlights, long lean lovely legs, and the most gorgeous gold brown eyes. She is a bit underweight but it looks good on her and when she walks she wiggles her skinny little butt in the happiest way. Damn!

When we walked down to the park last night I could see that people were staring at us . . . plain ol' me and beautiful Bella. She is quite a looker!

I think the last man she lived with may have been a bit of an abuser- she flinches when I raise my voice or move too quickly toward her. I am learning to be very gentle so that I don’t frighten her. I am sure she will learn.

I met her through a policeman I know. He had rescued her from a pretty tough situation. He wouldn’t tell me much about it but it was clear that she had seen some bad times. Since he couldn’t take her home with his family he needed someone to take her in and treat her like a lady. He knows that I am single and pretty open minded he thought I might be the perfect man for her.

We get along so well. We play well, she likes my cooking, all the little treats I give her, and even though I am not always sure she understands what I am saying she listens intently and offers nothing but her support and affection. She seems to just adore me!

It does worry me though, how hard a time she has spending time alone. I like our time together, leaning on each other while I read or we watch TV but when I leave her at the house to go to work she cries and moans and becomes frantic with worry that I won’t come back . . . I have reassured her but it doesn’t seem to help. It does seem to help if I just put her in her bed and cover her with a blanket so that she doesn’t see the light . . . she whines a bit but eventually she drifts off to sleep. I wish she could just hang out at the house and enjoy the peace and the solitude without having to be shut away in the dark!

My poor neighbors have been so nice about the situation. The woman next door in my duplex wanted to reassure me that she could tell that Bella has a good heart and is very sweet; she even said that she was ok that Bella cried loudly enough that she could hear her through the common wall a bit. She is just sure that soon Bella will get comfortable living here and learn to trust me and will be just fine. I do hope so. I have already worked out where she can go if she doesn’t learn not to cry and bother the neighbors when I am gone. If we can just work through that issue I am sure we can work it out and have a long and pleasant relationship for both of us.

If it doesn’t work out, I have made some decisions about what I will be looking for next. Rather than trying to save her from an abusive past or helping her to work through her baggage I think the next time I will find a really young one. One without the bad habits- like they always say, "get em young and raise em up the way you want!" In fact, even if it does work out I think I may just go out and find a young one anyway! I have always wanted two at the same time and then when I am gone they can entertain each other! I love to watch a couple of young cuties play together!

I am also thinking that instead of a Pointer I think the next one should be a herder. Maybe next time it will be an Aussie Shepherd or perhaps a Rottweiler pup.

Needs.

An important lesson on needs. Most aren't.