Saturday, September 20, 2008
Incarnation
Thursday, September 18, 2008
I think I like it.
- First- I was in truly horrible shape when we started this. Sad!
- A couple months into this I am in much better shape- still a long way to go but it is nice to be able to tell that I am getting more fit. Yeah!
- I tend to be a goal driven, plan oriented person AND being goal driven and plan oriented is not supportive of fully experiencing the fullness of time.
- An hour spent outside, moving, and unavailable to the phone and the internet has a huge impact on my day. I had not realized that for several decades I have NEVER been out of touch and other than sleeping time have been constantly aware of those things.
Friday, June 6, 2008
belief notes
- People are responsible for their own lives and their own reality. That includes me.
- Our own happiness is the goal.
- Fun is not the same as happiness but it helps!
- God loves us but he is neither our mother nor our servant; he made us in his image as creators and is happy as we learn and grow in our ability to create our own reality.
- The laws of the universe are just that, laws. We may create our own reality but we are still a part of the universe and subject to it’s laws- we will reap what we sow, get what we deserve, see the blessings and fruit of our labors. The laws of the universe are without fail double edged blades- yes, tomorrow is another day and it is up to our choices what that day will be like.
- Life always starts now.
- Love as a verb has much more value than love as a noun. A love that is felt is pleasant but a love that is chosen and committed to and expressed through action has the ability to change both the loved and the lover.
- Everyone has an absolute right to create their own reality and their own value as long as it is not at another’s expense.
- Time can be spent- invest it wisely.
- I am not responsible for anyone else nor is anyone else responsible for me. However, I may choose to be responsible to someone else either deliberately or as a byproduct of my other choices.
- I cannot make anyone do anything- I can only make myself act.
- Money (means to do things), Love (to care about or for), and Time (the opportunity to experience). That balance is the crux of my happiness. To do things that I care about with people I care about (Love), having the means to do those things (Money), and the opportunity (Time) to do more of them. Have the means to spend as much of my life as possible experiencing the people, activities, and things that I care about. I get extra points for growing and overcoming.
- There is nothing immodest in taking pride in the challenges met, successful growth, or the changes I have wrought in myself for the better. It is honest. There is no virtue in being smart, or tall, or pretty, or gifted, or having things. I was born this way and can take no credit and the things that I have only have meaning as they reflect my understanding, growth, beliefs, choices, and actions.
- There is no such thing as true contradiction. If two things stand opposed, only one can be true. Paradox is possible as it means to appear contradictory until a complete understanding is achieved.
- Emotions and passion often overcome reason- and cannot be trusted.
- There is a difference between truth and fact. Truth is harder but usually worth more.
- Think. Reason. Consider. Examine.
- There is no secret to life. It is what it is. It is ours to own and create and to be responsible for. There is no magic bullet, no oracle, no answer outside ourselves. I have to decide for myself what will make me happy and then I have to go do it.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Bella
Bella is lovely of course; any female I live with would have to be beautiful and she is. Brown hair with some highlights, long lean lovely legs, and the most gorgeous gold brown eyes. She is a bit underweight but it looks good on her and when she walks she wiggles her skinny little butt in the happiest way. Damn!
When we walked down to the park last night I could see that people were staring at us . . . plain ol' me and beautiful Bella. She is quite a looker!
I think the last man she lived with may have been a bit of an abuser- she flinches when I raise my voice or move too quickly toward her. I am learning to be very gentle so that I don’t frighten her. I am sure she will learn.
I met her through a policeman I know. He had rescued her from a pretty tough situation. He wouldn’t tell me much about it but it was clear that she had seen some bad times. Since he couldn’t take her home with his family he needed someone to take her in and treat her like a lady. He knows that I am single and pretty open minded he thought I might be the perfect man for her.
We get along so well. We play well, she likes my cooking, all the little treats I give her, and even though I am not always sure she understands what I am saying she listens intently and offers nothing but her support and affection. She seems to just adore me!
It does worry me though, how hard a time she has spending time alone. I like our time together, leaning on each other while I read or we watch TV but when I leave her at the house to go to work she cries and moans and becomes frantic with worry that I won’t come back . . . I have reassured her but it doesn’t seem to help. It does seem to help if I just put her in her bed and cover her with a blanket so that she doesn’t see the light . . . she whines a bit but eventually she drifts off to sleep. I wish she could just hang out at the house and enjoy the peace and the solitude without having to be shut away in the dark!
My poor neighbors have been so nice about the situation. The woman next door in my duplex wanted to reassure me that she could tell that Bella has a good heart and is very sweet; she even said that she was ok that Bella cried loudly enough that she could hear her through the common wall a bit. She is just sure that soon Bella will get comfortable living here and learn to trust me and will be just fine. I do hope so. I have already worked out where she can go if she doesn’t learn not to cry and bother the neighbors when I am gone. If we can just work through that issue I am sure we can work it out and have a long and pleasant relationship for both of us.
If it doesn’t work out, I have made some decisions about what I will be looking for next. Rather than trying to save her from an abusive past or helping her to work through her baggage I think the next time I will find a really young one. One without the bad habits- like they always say, "get em young and raise em up the way you want!" In fact, even if it does work out I think I may just go out and find a young one anyway! I have always wanted two at the same time and then when I am gone they can entertain each other! I love to watch a couple of young cuties play together!
I am also thinking that instead of a Pointer I think the next one should be a herder. Maybe next time it will be an Aussie Shepherd or perhaps a Rottweiler pup.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Friday, March 7, 2008
Right Now
Driving home, busy afternoon, lots going on!
As I drive up to the house I end my cell phone call and jump out of the car and head into the home office and get to work. Letters to write, calls to make!
Hours go by and I pull on jeans to go meet a friend for a drink at a nearby tavern. Grab up my cell phone and can't find my keys . . . no problem, I probably just dropped them under the front seat like I often do.
As I walk around the front of the house the car is gone! Oh no!
Then I hear it running . . . and as I come around the corner, there it is! I did leave the keys in the car. In the ignition. With it running. With it in gear.
The car had gently pulled up the hill and stopped when it came to rest against the garage door.
Dang. I did it again.
Some years ago my wife was trying to explain why I drove her crazy and one of the examples I remember finding confusing was the fact that I didn't do things in order and worse yet, was often thinking of where I was going rather than of where I was. Her example was the way I got out of the car. There is a right way to do it? She explained that yes, you should park the car where you want it, put it in park, turn off the car, turn off the lights, take out the keys, pick up your "stuff", get out of the car, lock it, and walk away. Makes sense to me! I thought that was what I did!
Since then I have noticed how I got out of the car. I pull up to the parking place and once it is clear that I am going to make it I go ahead and get ready to go inside. First, I try to remember what I am going to do in there, then I open the car door, then so I won't forget- I lock it, hopefully sometime about then I remember to put the car in park and turn it off, I then try to pick up all my "stuff" and any other stuff that may be laying around. I then get out of the car and notice that I left the lights on. I then unlock the car and turn off the lights and then re-lock the car only to realize that when I leaned in to turn off the lights I set stuff down on the seat. That's ok though because I need to open the door to take the GPS off the dash anyway . . .
The problem is remembering to live in the now. Right now I am parking the car but that is so damned dull that my mind wanders and on top of that I am sure that I am capable of doing it so it isn't very interesting to do again so I don't and therefore I don't do it at all or at least not all of it.
Life is lived in the now.
That is so very hard. Thinking of this task and only this task and working through the steps and not skipping ahead and remembering to appreciate where I am instead of anticipating where I will be.
What am I doing right now? Who am I right now?
Right now.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Do you need what you want or want what you need or . . .
Really?
What this country needs is a good 5cent cigar!
What he needs is a good swift kick in the rear!
I need to get laid, (really!)
I really need a vacation!
I want you, I need you, but there ain't no way . . .
I taught first graders for Junior Achievement for a while. Six weeks on wants versus needs and who in our community provides our needs and of course what we need to get what we need. If memory serves it was a pretty short list:
- Food
- Water
- Clothing
- Shelter
At the most basic level aren't those the needs?
Maslow had his little heirarchy of needs and somewhere along the way he came to love and respect and all those things. Needs.
So how did we get from thinking that needs are things we must have to survive and can then be thought of as good things (see the big 4 above) to things that will contribute to our happiness and comfort (love, respect, purpose, etc) and then finally to the things that karma says we deserve (the swift kick in the rear).
It occurs to me that if I didn't have those basic needs covered I wouldn't be here anyway. Dead for lack of those things so maybe it's just that we take those basic needs for granted but like the word and the concept of necessity . . . do we have a need for needing . . .
I don't know anymore what I need to do.
I am not always sure that know what I want- to be, to have, to do.
Funny thing is, I think the only thing I really need to do, is to keep doing.
Proud work memory #1
It got pretty exciting for a few minutes . . . the good Samaritan roustabout dragged Miguel into the restaurant and after not so kindly convincing Miguel to be quiet he asked who owned the Lincoln with 4 now flat tires. He told the story and Frank exploded with curse words and threats of arrest and violence and promises of devastating retribution. Franky wasn't thinking much either.
I worked for Franky as the manager of that little West Texas Taco Restaurant- actually all 66 of our managers worked for District managers who answered to Regional Managers who answered to Franky. Franky was important. Just ask him and he would tell you.
Miguel worked for me. He was the morning prep cook. As he had been kicked out of high school for a variety of behavior problems he had taken one of the few jobs available to an uneducated 15 year old Mexican Kid with a bad attitude in West Texas. He had signed up for night school to prepare for his GED and occasionally tried to work the occasional weekend evening shift for extra cash. Miguel had worked for me for several months and I liked the kid. Too much attitude, too much testosterone, too big of a chip on his shoulder but I really liked him! Like most 15 year olds he forgot to think sometimes but he was smart, he was stunningly efficient, and he learned! Whatever I showed him, stuck. As we worked together to help him understand performance and quality standards he got it! The idea of benchmarking performance and clear expectations made sense to him and he thrived. Like I said, I liked him- smart mouth and all.
Did I mention Miguels cute little 14 year old girl friend? She was wonderful! She came to see Miguel for his lunch break and was there for him when he got off work. They were adorable and she was starting to show the evidence of their coming family. She apparently wasn't thinking much either.
Franky lived near the store and visited often. He made it clear from the first time he met Miguel that he thought he as a lost cause. Couldn't see past the accent and the quasi gangster outfits and the low-rider Pontiac. One more example that Franky didn't think. He saw Miguel as a delinquent and I saw him as a young man who understood the standards and expectations and was determined to exceed them. He loved the objectivity of those standards. I loved that fact that he understood them.
A few months into Miguel's time with the company Fred came in and found Miguel smoking a cigarette while he was cleaning the waste area behind the restaurant and went ballistic. It was 6:40 in the morning, Miguel was way ahead on his work schedule and had taken it upon himself to clean up the area but all Fred could see was the fact that Miguel was sneaking a cigarette. Rather than calling the shift manager or me or anyone, Franky sent Miguel home in a fit of anger. Five days off without pay! No conversation or investigation. Like I said. Not a lot of thinking.
It was two nights later that Franky was visiting the store with his wife and kids when Miguel was driving by and noticed the car- swung into the parking lot, stepped out of his Bonneville low-rider and put his knife to work. Not a lot of thinking.
Later that night after I recovered Miguel from the oilmans grip and got him to talk to me, (he was starting to think then . . .), I talked to Franky at length. Having him arrested would satisfy a need for punishment but wouldn't replace the tires and Franky wanted his tires replaced. And he wanted Miguel to pay for them. I had everyone write down what had happened and finally Franky left with the understanding that we would meet the following day to determine Miguel's fate. Somehow in the process I had become in Franky's mind a part of the problem- I had hired Miguel after all. Franky was angry, Miguel was scared, and I was thinking.
The next afternoon Franky came by after the lunch rush and we all sat down. I asked it I could make a proposal that might help his tire problem and teach Miguel a lesson he would not forget. That morning Miguel had gone to see a cousin who ran a tire shop in the area. The cousin, Miguel, and I had worked out a plan. The cousin would dispatch a truck that afternoon to replace all four tires on the Lincoln with identical brand new tires. It would be billed to Miguel. Miguel wrote a note to us requesting that until he paid the entire cost, we should direct payroll to pay him with two checks each week- both halves made out to him. On each payday, he or I would deliver one half of Miguel's pay to his cousin until the debt was paid. Fred would get a weekly report of the declining balance. Fred was concerned that Miguel was getting off easy because he got to keep his job and didn't get arrested. I pointed out that working from 5am to 3pm every day for the effective rate of $2 an hour or many months was pretty serious punishment-
In the end, Franky's desire for the tires outweighed his desire for retribution and we all agreed.
Early in Miguel's 16th year he paid the debt off.
When he made the final payment he sent a note to Franky thanking him for allowing him to take responsibility for what he had done. In the note he also expressed a respect for his job, his company, for me, and for Franky.
By the time Miguel was 17 he was a father and also had become a morning supervisor at the restaurant. He took and passed his GED with ease.
I had become the training manager for the company and right after he turned 18 Miguel was promoted to assistant manager of one of the stores. Now he and his new wife were able to move into an apartment of their own.
I was transferred out of the area and my contact with Miguel became less and less frequent- but I still loved to see the reports of his success. He became a restaurant manager and performed very well. His employees loved his combination of hard nosed standards with objective compassion. He was a good man.
Years after I left the company I was driving through West Texas and stopped into one of the company restaurants for lunch. While I was eating I heard a familiar voice in the kitchen and when I poked my head in it was Miguel! A few years older and a few pounds heavier but the swagger and the grin were still there- He was on a tour of the area as he had just been promoted to regional manager for parts of New Mexico and West Texas.
Miguel had just moved back to Odessa with his wife and their now 3 kids (he had thought about it and three was enough!), had a nice home with a pool, loved his work, had started taking some college classes on the side, was happy and enthusiastic.
We talked for a few minutes before I got back on the road- we laughed at the stories of friends and family and associates around West Texas and now spread across the US. When I was leaving we shook hands and he held on to get my attention. Looking straight at me he asked me if I remembered when he and Franky met and of course I did. He told me that they work well together but that Franky still looked sideways at him and that it was OK because he knew he couldn't undo what he had done. Then he thanked me. For helping him not be arrested and for helping him keep his job and for helping him to focus on what he could do and be. He wanted me to know that he was who he was because I had stood with him and held him accountable while giving him a chance.
When I think about what I do and what I have enjoyed and what I am most proud of, there are a handful of stories like that one that top the list. Working in fast food can be a demeaning, exhausting, mentally and physically draining experience. Your friends and acquaintances won't tell you how they wish they had a job like yours as it sounds so exciting. More likely they will say something along the lines of "well, I guess someone has to do it."
They are right. Someone has to. I am not sorry I am no longer doing that today but I am forever proud and grateful that I was the one who got to do it all those years ago in the oil patch. I like to think that whether anyone remembers me or the role I played, there are people whose lives are different and hopefully better because I was there.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Competence
"Competence can only be measured by performance."
The context was in a special ed environment but it applies to everyone I think.
Her point was that our belief that the LD students we were working with had latent abilities if we could just uncover them was useless until we could find objective evidence that those abilities really exist.
When I try to justify myself by my intrinsic abilities I am just flat wrong. My deeply held opinion that I am smart and that my judgement is good and that I am a morally competent person has no value until I can show those things in my actions. I am only as smart as I am acting today. I am only as kind as the kindness I am performing and only as good as my life shows me to be. Potential is a wonderful thing but has no value to me or anyone else until it is manifested in activity-
I am only as good a person as my life demonstrates-
I am who I act like . . .
We are exactly what we do today. A mean nasty person who gets up one day and makes a choice to ACT nice and who keeps that commitment is in fact a nice person. Frankly even if they still harbor mean nasty thoughts! If they choose to say nice things and do nice things and make good choices then their internal struggles are not important.
I think I am saying that we are the person we act like we are. I don't think you can be a miser if you act generous and give, a coward if you face your fears and act brave, sad if you act happy all the time, or stupid if you do smart things. Conversely, a friend is not if their actions don't show it, a lover is not if they don't express it, and a smart person who acts stupidly is for all practical purposes, stupid.
The point of all that is that changing who we are would seem then to be a decision to act followed by the actions. If there is a way I want to be, all I need to do is behave as that person would behave and I am there! Instantly! No ramp up time, no waiting! As soon as I act like that person I am him!
Scriptures
"Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."
Love that one! It makes my dreams and wishes real!
This next one has the absolute opposite affect on me-
"to whom much is given, of him much is required"
Damnation cometh!